Conflict Resolution Glossary

A communication technique where the listener fully concentrates on, understands, and responds to a speaker. It involves verbal and nonverbal cues that show engagement — such as paraphrasing, asking clarifying questions, and maintaining eye contact.

Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement. A concept from the Harvard Negotiation Project that represents the best outcome you can achieve if the current negotiation fails. Knowing your BATNA gives you negotiating power and helps you decide when to walk away.

One of John Gottman's Four Horsemen of relationship destruction. Contempt goes beyond criticism — it communicates disgust and moral superiority through sarcasm, eye-rolling, mockery, and name-calling. Gottman's research identifies it as the single greatest predictor of divorce.

One of Gottman's Four Horsemen. Unlike a specific complaint ('You didn't take out the trash'), criticism attacks your partner's character ('You never think about anyone but yourself'). It uses global statements like 'you always' or 'you never.'

The process of reducing the intensity of a conflict or potentially violent situation. Techniques include lowering your voice, acknowledging the other person's feelings, taking a timeout, and using 'I' statements instead of accusatory 'you' statements.

One of Gottman's Four Horsemen. Defensiveness is essentially a way of blaming your partner — it says 'the problem isn't me, it's you.' It often takes the form of counter-complaints, making excuses, or playing the victim to ward off a perceived attack.

A state where a person becomes so overwhelmed by emotions during conflict that their body's stress response activates — heart rate increases, stress hormones surge, and the ability to think rationally diminishes. Gottman's research shows this makes productive conversation impossible.

The ability to understand and share the feelings of another person. In conflict resolution, empathy doesn't mean agreeing with someone — it means genuinely understanding their emotional experience and communicating that understanding back to them.

John Gottman's term for four communication patterns that predict relationship failure with over 90% accuracy: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. They typically appear in order, with contempt being the most destructive.

A form of psychological manipulation where someone causes another person to question their own reality, memory, or perceptions. It's a pattern of behavior, not a one-time event, and can occur in romantic, family, workplace, and social relationships.

A core concept from the Harvard Negotiation Project. Positions are what people say they want ('I want the window open'). Interests are why they want it ('I need fresh air because I'm feeling stuffy'). Focusing on interests reveals creative solutions that positions hide.

A communication framework developed by Marshall Rosenberg that replaces blame and judgment with four steps: observation (what happened), feeling (how you feel), need (what you need), and request (what you'd like). Also known as Compassionate Communication.

Any statement or action — verbal or nonverbal — made during or after conflict to prevent negativity from escalating. Gottman's research found that the success or failure of repair attempts is the single most important factor in whether a relationship thrives or fails.

One of Gottman's Four Horsemen. Stonewalling occurs when someone completely withdraws from the interaction — refusing to respond, shutting down, or physically leaving. It's often a response to emotional flooding and is more common in men (85% of stonewallers in Gottman's research).

Bringing a third person into a two-person conflict dynamic, often to gain an ally, avoid direct communication, or shift blame. While seeking outside perspective can be healthy, triangulation becomes toxic when used to manipulate or avoid accountability.

Acknowledging and accepting another person's internal experience as understandable, even if you disagree with their conclusions or behavior. Validation doesn't mean agreement — it means communicating 'your feelings make sense given your experience.'